Lord of the Freaks Vol 1
by RumFreaks
Summary: What would Lord of the Rings be like if we were the characters? Exactly like this...
1. Prologue

Prologue 

Once upon a time, there was a land called Middle-earth. That is were this story takes place. Naturally, in the Lord of the Rings story, the countries, such as the Shire, are about the size of Germany, and Gondor is the size of China. In this story, however, the countries are about a city size apart, because every body lives spread out and they all have to go to the same school. Which is Moria, by the way. If you don't know where all these places are, then look at a map, or watch the move. It's Ok if you don't know who the Characters are, because only the LOTR freaks here, which look in the Appendices know. Anyway, so they all go to the school, Moria. We all know this is an evil place, but it's not that bad. Sauron and Morgoth are in charge, but their not trying to destroy the world. They're just making us learn, and we all know that's punishing enough. There aren't any orcs except for Mordor, and they're Sauron's maids. Also, many of the people were different races. Such as: Hobbits, Elves, Dwarves, Men, and even talking animals, but the people of Middle-earth weren't very racist, except perhaps Elves and Dwarves. You might be wondering why people from the ages of 4 - 10 000, and parents and their own children are going to the same school. Well, I told you, this is a screwed up story, and because this is about us, and we all go to the same school...well, most of us. Some people are married too, so it's natural to have knocked up women in the school. Oh, and every time you see thins: RING! It means the bell has rung. Anyway, let's get this story started.


	2. Chapter 1

"Ahhh!" Arwen's girlish scream ran through the hallway. Ruby, Robin and Primrose dropped all of their books they were so freaked. They cleaned their books up very fast though. The school tended to be quite clean because the Janitor was a Balrog.

"What now?" asked Eowyn

"I think there's a cowlick in my hair," she complained

Eowyn rolled her eyes, "You're the fairest living thing on the earth. You could have a bee's nest on you head, and you'd _still _be the fairest living thing on the earth."

"There's a big difference between a cowlick and a bee's nest, you see, a bee's nest is an accident, but a cowlick is natural."

"So, you're married, and your husband should love you no matter what."

"You're just saying that because you know how picky he is, and he'll probably dump me if I get any less pretty. Your just hoping that when he dumps me he'll go have an affair with you."

"But I'm already married to the good for nothing Gondorian who couldn't find any fair ladies of his own people, and had to settle for me."

"Don't you just hate it when guys are all for your looks?"

"Yeah, some husbands we have."

Arwen and Eowyn tended to argue a lot, but they always found some agreement after a few minutes of catfight.

RING!

"Where is everybody?" asked Arwen. Somebody poked her. Estella, Diamond, and Rosie were standing there the whole time, but were unnoticed because of their height.

"You know, that's the fourth time you've done that this week! Ever heard of a word called heellllllllooooooo?" said Eowyn making fun. Estella scowled at her.

"Where's Goldberry?" asked Arwen

"She's hiding from Tom, she's really trying to avoid him. Not that she needs to anyway. He fancies Pearl so much, he follows her everywhere," said Estella.

"He deserves a slap in the face," said Diamond, they all nodded their heads agreeing.

"You know, we have the weirdest subjects this year: "Using your Powers" with Gandalf, "Health" with Ioreth, "Languages" with Luthien, "History" with Gil-Galad, "Home Ec." with Lobelia, "Social Studies" with Eglantine, "Math" with Sauron, hhmm, wonder why," said Rosie sarcastically, "And Elbereth for our "Woman classes" and I don't see why we need those, seeing as were all married."

"Yeah, and you have 13 children so you'll pass no problem," said Diamond.

"So who do we have now?" asked Eowyn.

"Luthien," said Estella.

"Not too bad since I know two languages fluently," said Arwen showing off.

"Hello, so do I fairy queen" said Eowyn.

"Too bad Legolas isn't at this school," said Arwen.

"Yeah, he's so hot," said Eowyn, and once again, they land on an agreement.

"Hello dreamy girls.," Galadriel appeared. "Let's go and write notes in class"

RING!

"Oh great, now we're late, and you know Luthien, we might have to stay after class," said Diamond.

"Except for princess Arwen here, because she's the teacher's heir," said Eowyn .

"Shut up! I get in trouble," said Arwen.

"Oh really, when?" asked Eowyn.

"She caught me putting on make up during class."

"Excuse me, but I believe we are still late for class," said Galadriel, for once acting her own age.

They all ran to the door of the classroom.

"You go first, I can't do it, the pressure and all," said Diamond pushing Eowyn in front of her.

"What makes you think I can?"

"Oh for goodness sake" said Galadriel "You go first Arwen."

"Yes Grandmother" she said sarcastically. She opened the door, and the whole class was staring at her, but I guess that was quite natural. They all took their seats. Luckily, Luthien did favor Arwen and let it go. While Luthien lectured on, not knowing that the rest of the class wasn't paying attention, Eowyn was looking around the class, and saw Goldberry, who was sitting on the complete opposite side of the classroom from Tom Bombadil, her husband, who was smothering poor Pearl (Pippin's sister). Saruman and Wormtongue were whispering, most likely plotting to destroy the whole world. All the Dwarf women, who were often mistaken for Dwarf men, were talking about beautiful jewels. Celeborn, Galadriel's husband, was chewing on pencils and pens, as usual. Elladen and Elrohir (Arwen's twin brothers) were trying to convince Faramir Jr. (Pippin's son) to steal some of his future father in-law's weed for them. Bill the pony, who thought he was a donkey, would follow them around a lot. Hasufel, Arod and Brego were horses trying to learn to speak; yes horses go to this school too. Brego loved carrying Aragorn, Hint, Hint. Sometimes Sauron and Morgoth would come to class, too make sure we were being tortured enough. Gamling and Hama were talking about horses. Haldir was staring at Galadriel, who he had a crush on, but many thought he was gay. Radagast the Brown (a wizard) was trying to tame Ancalagon the Black (a dragon). Faramir and Boromir were trying to convince Pippin to talk Merry into increasing the import of weed in Gondor. Merry was famous, and often out of town on business. He was Estella's husband. He was in charge of exporting the weed that Sam was famous for growing all around Middle-earth. Rosie, Sam's wife, spent most of her time worrying about her children, and hoping that the teachers weren't being too hard on them. She had 13 children. Rosie didn't know that Sam was growing all that weed; she just assumed it was farmer Maggot. Frodo and Sam were in another class. They really liked bugging Arwen. Aragorn was King, so he had to go to a special school. He and Arwen had a son and some daughters. Galadriel was still pondering whether she should get a divorce, which she really wanted. Celebrian was Arwen's mother, and Galadriel was her mother, though they hardly looked any older than each other, and didn't act like they were related. Diamond was Pippin's wife, and they were a very happily married, a perfect couple. Their back yard had a great amount of apple trees. They loved apples. They also had Faramir Jr. for a son. They were very afraid that Bill the pony wanted to kill him. Estella was a good cook and used lots of Diamond's apples to bake delicious apple deserts. Estella found Merry's secret stash of weed in their house, and whenever Merry was out of town, she would host a party for the girls. She even added some crack to those delicious apple deserts they ate. In her free time she would sell some weed to kids, and she even had her own stall in the girls bathroom at school for a stand. Eowyn was married to Faramir, but she originally wanted to marry Aragorn, but Arwen won that catfight. Faramir wanted to marry someone of his people, but the just had to settle for each other. Her daydreams ended when Angborn, the King of the dead, interrupted.

"Yes Angborn?" asked Luthien

"Why do I have to learn all of this, when I'm dead?" Angborn usually asked questions like this, and he always got the same answer.

"I'm afraid you'll have to clear that up with the principal," she said. He shuddered; no one ever went to the principal. He was very evil, anyone who got in big trouble got mutated into and orc, and was forced to serve Sauron and Morgoth forever.

RING!

"Ah, saved by the bell," said Diamond, she winked at Pippin who grinned at her.

They all went to their lockers to get their books for the next class.

"Oh great, Social," said Eowyn

"Yeah, but I heard we had a sub today," said Estella

"I hope it's not Otho, I hate him," Eowyn told her friend.

"It's Denethor."

"Oh I hate him too, he's so ugly."

"Then I guess Faramir inherits his mother's good looks?"

"What?" Eowyn looked shocked.

"You do know he's your father in-law."

"Oh shit, I forgot."

"I heard he wants to marry Luthien."

"Ha, he couldn't get a girl like that in a million years."

"Yah duh, you know he might favor you in class."

"Whatever, let's go."

RING!

They all sat in their seats.

"Alright, well, I guess the first thing to do is Attendance," said Denethor

"Arwen?"

"Here."

"Ori?"

"Here"

"Nori?"

"Here."

"Dori?"

"She's not here, she had a tantrum this morning and passed out because she lost a necklace."

"Estella"

"Here"

"Diamond"

"Here"

"Goldberry"

"Here"

"Tom"

"..."

"TOM"

"Uh, here"

He was staring at Pearl and wasn't paying attention.

"Pearl"

"Here"(girlish squeak)

"Bill"

"EEEAAAWWW"

"Ancalagon"

"RRAAHHRR"

"Faramir"

"Here"

"Here"

"Eowyn"

"He—"

"Oh Eowyn, you're married to my son aren't you?"

Faramir and Eowyn turned their heads away from each other and didn't speak.

"Angborn"

"Here"

"Excuse me, but how come I can see through you?"

"Oh, I'm dead sir, because your dumbass King cursed me"

"You know this Attendance is taking really long. Only Dori and Brego are missing," said Nori

"Why is Brego missing?"

"Choked on a hey ball" said Arwen

The class went on, and Denethor lectured just as much as Luthien. The whole class was asleep, except for Eowyn.

RING! The whole class was shocked and woke up startled.

"You know, Bill's ears twitch when he's sleeping, and I don't know how Goldylocks (Sam's daughter) sleeps at night, Faramir Jr. snores so loud"

"How would she know how he snores?" asked Rosie

"Oh, come on, you don't notice her sneaking out at night" said Eowyn "Anyway, he snores loud OK?"

"He gets that from his Father," said Diamond, she smiled and winked at Pippin again, "But then I started rolling him over and he stopped" she sighed with a dreamy look on her face.


	3. Chapter 2

Soon enough, lunch came. Diamond and Pippin were being a little too romantic, and were feeding each other apples. Arwen and Eowyn were arguing over who spent more time perfecting their hair. Rosie was so glad to see Sam; she gave all of her kids money to buy lunch with, because it would take too long to make 13 lunches. Faramir and Goldylocks were sitting in a corner making out, and the rest were gossiping.

"Can you believe Diamond let's her son do that, and can you believe Rosie lets him?" said Eowyn

Ancalagon was having trouble resisting eating all of these people, and for once Bill was being followed around.

"Almost at second base" said Frodo staring into the corner.

"Don't stare, it's impolite" said Arwen

"Don't stare, it's impolite" said Frodo mimicking her in a girly voice.

"Stop that!"

"Stop that!"

"Shut up!"

"Bite me!"

"Blow me"

"ALRIGHT ENOUGH!" yelled Galadriel

"That's my girl," said Celeborn walking by. Then Haldir walked by and winked at her.

"You should really divorce him, uughhh, I can't believe I'm related to him! Eewww" said Arwen

"Hey at least you don't have to share the bed with him, and listen to him snore" she shuddered

"HeeHee" Pippin and Diamond were giggling happily.

"Awww, they're such a cute couple," said Estella "I miss Merry, he's always busy, but when he comes home, he sweeps me off my feet, and then—"

"OK, don't think we need to know the rest," said Arwen. Estella had a dreamy look on her face. She probably had her own personal porno magazine of Merry stashed up in her head.

"Alright, second base," said Frodo out of the blue

"What?" said Arwen, she looked into the corner "Oh honestly, can't you two do that somewhere else, I'm mean, eeeewww, in front of your parents"

They both went into the girls' bathroom.

"Let's go to the library," said Estella

"I can't believe our librarian's a spider," said Diamond

"Well, it's better than a crabby middle-aged woman," said Eowyn

They went into the library and found Celebrian and Elanor (Sam's daughter) reading a magazine. Shelob was scuttering around putting books in their places. Every one was very quiet in the library, because they were afraid that she might eat them.

"What do we have after lunch?" asked Celebrian

"Home Ec." Said Estella

"Oh I hate Lobelia, she's such an old hag" said Elanor

"No duh, and she always favors Lotho, because he's her son, like eewww" said Eowyn, she saw Faramir looking at her. "Hmph" she turned away crossing her arms.

"Why are you so mad at him?" asked Estella "How could you be mad at that cutie?"

"Because, he said the carrots from my garden tasted old,"

"Uh, are you talking literally or figuratively here?" asked Diamond

"Literally, you dope" said Eowyn

"You're mad at him for that, maybe the soil you using wasn't healthy," said Diamond "Get over it already"

"Fine, whatever, lets go," said Eowyn

RING!

They went into the classroom, and it never smelled very good. It was ssooo boring. Lotho glanced at Diamond "Eeww, he looked at me" her and Estella were giggling.

RING!

"So are we going to have another ""get-together" soon?" asked Diamond

"Sure let's go right now, and skip last period," said Estella excitedly.

All the girls were in Estella's house.

"Come on! Bring out the Weed!" yelled Diamond

"How did you get this if Merry doesn't let you smoke the weed that Sam grows?" asked Arwen

"WHAT!?" yelled Rosie

"Uh...don't worry, he doesn't smoke it" said Diamond lying.

"Oh, good" said Rosie relieved.

"So how did you find it?" asked Eowyn

"Well I'll tell you," said Estella

It was a beautiful afternoon, but Estella was inside doing her regular cleaning of the house. She was now cleaning her bedroom, and she noticed a crack in the bottom corner of the wall.

"Hmm, what's this?" said Estella.

She dug around in the crack with her finger, and a section of the wall came out, and it wasn't empty. There were bags of weed in it. There was also a note on top of it.

Dear Merry,

_I thought you might like some weed that I've been growing illegally, well, soon it wont be illegal, I'll make a new law, that makes it legal, but not if they tell my wife. Don't tell your wife either, or she might tell Rosie, and I'll get in big trouble._

_Enjoy,_

_Samwise Gamgee_

This must have been before he was famous and made that law. The law was that if anybody told Rosie or Rosie's friends about it, they would go to jail. Rosie's friends eventually found out, but they promised not to tell her. So Estella never told Merry that she found the stash, but she used it wisely, sparing it until she felt like having some. Along with the bags, there was also some crack, probably made by Saruman the unwise. So she added some to her delicious apple deserts, which she made for her girly parties of smoking weed.


	4. Chapter 3

"And that's how" said Estella, but when she told the story, she left Sam's letter out of it, because his wife was listening.

"Merry never noticed it disappearing?" asked Celebrian

"Nope, ha, It's like maybe he had other stashes around, and that was the emergency one, ha ha," Estella was just joking, but sometimes jokes come true, you'll find out later on.

They heard somebody open the door, and their eyes went wide.

"Hey girls, wazzup" said Aragorn

"Oh sweety you're home!" said Arwen delightedly. She went up to him and gave him a big kiss. The girls rolled their eyes. Their kiss was getting a little out of hand.

"Hey hot stuff," said Eowyn walking by him to the kitchen, his gaze following her.

"Don't look at her" said Arwen

"Hey, you're smoking pot," he said for a good come back. She noticed he was hiding something behind his back.

"What's this?" she said pulling it away from him "A PLAYBOY! You don't love me anymore do you, you love naked pictures of other women, and flirting with my friends!"

"That's not true, I only bought this for something to read, and you know I could never stop lovin' you babe" he said grinning, and he knew that trick would work, because he had used it many other times, to cheer her up, and it made him irresistible. She giggled and blushed, and the girls were again rolling their eyes.

"So, call it even?" he asked

"Sure, want some pot?"

"How could I say no to that?"

"You know, Tom is so annoying, he keeps bugging me, and trying to flirt with me, aren't you mad at him Goldberry?" asked Pearl

"Not really, because now he's completely ignoring me, and I like it,"

"At least you son isn't dating a slut," said Diamond

"Hey! He's dating my daughter," said Rosie

"Oh...right...well, she is a slut!" said Daimond

"I suppose," said Rosie agreeing

"Who's babysitting all your kids Rosie?" asked Galadriel

"Daisy" said Rosie. Daisy was Sam's sister.

"She's kind of a slut too" said Elanor

"Yeah" said Rosie "You know I think Goldylocks is sneaking out at night"

"I guess that explains all the racket I hear at night" said Diamond

"You know they should just get married, and find their own burrow to make racket in," said Goldberry

"Yeah, I'm getting really sick of their mushiness, once I saw her pretending that Hamfast (Sam's son) was Faramir Jr. and he was asking her to marry him, it was funny, but I guess that means she's ready to get married," said Eowyn

After a few hours they all started to get high. Aragorn and Arwen were so high that they fell of their chairs while they were making out.

"Pretty's are horses" said Eowyn

"Ya and Tweets go bird, bird," said Goldberry

"No, Birds go bird, bird," said Estella

"No, Birds go tweet, tweet," said Rosie

"Oh Yeah" said all of them

"I think we should all home go now," said Celebrian

"Remember to door the lock," said Estella bumping into the wall on her way to her room. Aragorn swept Arwen off her feet, and Brego was at the door ready to bear them home. Diamond and Rosie didn't get too high that easily, so they were actually able to open their front doors, if they found their home that is. Celebrian, Elanor, Galadriel and Goldberry were skipping and singing the whole way home. When Eowyn got home, Faramir was sitting on the doorstep.

"Hey...how you doin?" said Eowyn waving her arm very stupidly.

"Hey, are you on drugs?"

"Yah duh, are you?"

"Like ya man!" he said stupidly "Now come to bed"

"Ok" she tripped on her way, but managed to get to her bed before she passed out from dope. The only time they actually talked to each other was when they were either high, or drunk.

Eowyn woke up the next morning and couldn't remember much. She also had something strange written on her hand: 'ï 


	5. Chapter 4

The party was awesome. Every one was celebrating under the party tree at Bag End, except our teachers.

"Time to cut the cake!" yelled someone

"First Frodo has to make a wish and blow the candles out!" yelled Sam

"And Bilbo too, it's his Birthday too!" yelled Diamond

So they both blew out the candles, and the cake was distributed to everyone.

"MMM... this is delicious Estella, what's in it?"

"My apples of course" Diamond blurted out.

"Well, I also added a little something that I got from Saruman, to give it a little extra taste" she winked at them. The girls knew what that something from Saruman was. Rosie was at the bar, handing out beer, and cleaning mugs. Many of the guys were trying to flirt with her, and Sam was getting close to blowing their brains out. There was also a group of guys gawking at the girls, and Aragorn was one of them.

"Hey Eowyn, looking good" said Aragorn

"Dude, that's my girl," said Faramir

Eowyn was sick and tired of Aragorn hitting on her, so she dealt with it like a professional.

WHAM!

She slapped him hard, and Arwen saw it. "What did you slap him for?"

"Well, this HUSBAND of yours keeps hitting on me?" said Eowyn

This time Arwen slapped him, and both girls walked away.

"Dude, Burn!" said Elladen

"Yah man, you got it bad" said Elrohir

MEANWHILE...there was other slapping going on.

WHAM!

Pearl had slapped Tom. "Goldberry, he just told me to meet him in the bathroom"

WHAM! Goldberry slapped him too, and that took care of that.

MEANWHILE...

"Ok, parent's, we're gonna get married, and move into a hole of our own" said Faramir Jr.

"Oh finally" said Diamond relieved.

"Well, one more down, plenty to go," said Rosie

"Now we can have the house to ourselves," said Pippin winking at Diamond.

MEANWHILE...

Estella was waiting for Merry to come home, because he said he wouldn't miss the party. When she saw him, she wanted to run up to him and he would twirl her around and kiss her...but she just ended up knocking him over from all the excitement and dope, but he still picked her up in his arms... and, well...you get the idea.

"Hello sweetums" he said

"Oh, by the way, I found your weed stash"

"What! Which one?"

"The one in our bedroom, HOW MANY MORE ARE THERE?"

"Oh, that was just the emergency stash"

"You mean there are bigger stashes?"

"Oh, well...let's just drop it for now and just be happy to see each other"

"OK"

MEANWHILE...

Pretty much everyone was high from the birthday cake. Even the horses were a little high. Hasufel was using Gimli as a chair, and Arod accidentally knocked Haldir into a water barrel. Brego was doing some weird dance thingy to show off for Aragorn. Oh, and Gollum was talking to himself, but I guess that was quite normal. Wormtongue, eeww, was staring at Eowyn, like eeww man. Bilbo was trying to be a pirate, which looked pretty retarded. Pippin was singing his traditional, drunken songs, but he was singing solo, because his buddy Merry was a little busy at the moment. Frodo was trying very hard to convince Sam that he was still a tween, but that wasn't working since it was his 52nd birthday. A poisonous bush snake was attacking Celebrian, so Goldberry stepped on it. Frodo was at the bar and kept hearing a weird voice inside his head.

"_Hey Frodo, pass me a drink" _he had no idea who was talking to him.

"_Hello, didn't you hear me!" _

Then Frodo was talking out loud to himself. "OK, who the hell is talking in my head?"

"Hello" waved Galadriel

"Oh" he passed her a drink feeling quite embarrassed.

MEANWHILE...

Eowyn went over to the girls. "Hey, where's Estella?"

"Well...you know...Merry just got home," said Diamond

"Oh, guess we won't be seeing her till, oh, tomorrow afternoon probably" they all started laughing.

"Did you know that Faramir and Goldylocks are getting married?" said Rosie, Eowyn looked confused.

"Faramir Jr. you dork, you know, my son" said Diamond

"Oh" said Eowyn "That makes much more sense"

"So, I hear you four had some slapping time," said Celebrian

"Oh, yeah" said Eowyn quite satisfied with herself.

"It was great," said Pearl

"They totally deserved it," said Goldberry

"Definitely" Arwen was a little depressed "I can't believe him, he so doesn't love me anymore"

"Sure he does, he's just as perverted as other guys, only he shows it," said Eowyn

"Well I'm gonna do something about it!" said Elanor, who wasn't really afraid to talk to anyone, so she took care of things when others were too chicken.

"What are you going to do?" asked Arwen

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it," she said

Elanor walked over to the guys, and Pippin whistled at her.

"Dude! That's my daughter!" said Sam

"Yeah and she's hot" said Pippin, Sam gave him a glare that made him shut up.

"What can we do for you?" asked Boromir. The words may look all right, but it sounded wrong.

"I am looking for Aragorn"

"Oh, he took a walk in the old forest I think" said Faramir

So she went into the old forest, and found him sitting against a tree, and he looked kind of down. Figuratively not literally.

"Hey wazzup" said Elanor

"Hey...hobbit" apparently he had forgotten her name and he was also pretty drunk.

"Elanor"

"Right, what do you want?"

"Well, look, Arwen thinks you don't like her, cause of all these bad things you're doing"

"I do like her, but it's hard when all of her friends are hot"

"Thanks...I mean...whatever, she said if you don't pay more attention to her, then she'll threaten not to sleep with you anymore" his face was in shock" And if you still don't smarten up, then she'll probably just start cheating on you"

"OK, I'll smarten up!"

"Good"

"Hey, who do you think she would cheat with?"

"I dunno, maybe..." She thought hard for a really hot guy, kinda famous "Legolas"

"OK, I'll definitely smarten up, I don't want that blonde faggot with her, anyway, I thought girls liked the rugged-outdoorsy-type, not the overly-happy blonde guys"

"Oh, they do, believe me, just not when their acting like perverts"

"_Burn" _Someone said in his head, most likely Elladen or Elrohir.

MEANWHILE...

"Damnit! I said roll over!" yelled Radagast still trying to tame Ancalagon, instead of rolling over, he went to some tree and started humping it. "Eeww man, I got to get you fixed, or hooked up with some hot dragon chick. I said roll over not hump tree"

MEANWHILE...

Pippin was watching Elladen and Elrohir trying to light a firework, and his head was shaking in disappointment.

"You don't want to be doing that," said Pippin

"No, I really think I do," said Elrohir

"Fine, get burned to a crisp," said Pippin walking away. A few moments later, a giant firework shot up into the sky, leaving a battered tent, and what looked like two fried Popsicle sticks. So they went over to the bar to drink some medicine, or beer in this case, and started to check out some girls.

"Dude, check out her" said Elladen pointing to Pearl.

"Check out that ass" said Elrohir pointing to...ARWEN.

"Eewww you sicko, that's our sister man."

"Ooopps"

Galadriel was at the bar still, and Haldir came over to flirt with her.

"So...uh...hey" said Haldir

"Hi" said Galadriel dully.

Celeborn was waltzing around a little overly happy. Galadriel rolled her eyes.

Frodo and Bilbo were also sitting at the bar, watching Celebrian and Goldberry do a folk dance.

"I wonder if their skirts will flip up," said Frodo

"Maybe that will lighten up this party," said Bilbo.

Rosie slapped them for that. "Oh! Men are so immature, except for my Sam," she said happily.

"Oh, so you think making a law for the entire Shire not to tell his wife that he's been growing weed is mature? Oh yes, very mature." Said Frodo

Rosie fainted, but she did that a lot, and recovered within a few minutes.

MEANWHILE...

Dori recovered from the loss of her necklace. It took one day of mourning. All the other Dwarf women attended the funeral. She was still crying.

"I can't believe my beautiful Ruby's gone, I don't think I can live without my Ruby!" she said sobbing.

"I am not your Ruby! And I'm not gone!" said Ruby (Sam's daughter), who was behind her overhearing, she thought the dwarf was referring to her. Plus, Dwarf women were often mistaken for men, so she just thought it was some perverted Dwarf man. So Ruby slapped Dori.

MEANWHILE...

Daisy passed out from too much crack, and ended up having a horrible nightmare. _She dreamt that she was hiding in a cupboard over the sink, because she had heard that Tom was searching high and low for her._

"_You cannot hide" she heard him yell, "I will seek you out to the ends of Middle-earth!"_

She woke up a little shocked

"What a horrible dream!" she started to eat a chocolate bar because that calmed her.

MEANWHILE...

That snake was still following Celebrian.

"Sweety, that snake keeps following you" said Galadriel

"Stop following me!" she yelled. The snake looked very sad. "Aww, it's OK" she figured it wouldn't be so bad to have a pet snake, and she was pretty sure it was poisonous so she could use it as a weapon.

MEANWHILE...

Tom was spying on Daisy, who was eating a chocolate bar.

"Look what she's doin' to that chocolate" said Tom with a dreamy look on his face

"Yeah, great" said Gimli

Eowyn was behind them the whole time. Tom turned around and...

WHAM!

MEANWHILE...

"Dad likes me better," said Boromir who was arguing with his little brother.

"Yeah, well, I got a girl" said Faramir

"Oh, so I'm just an object am I?" said Eowyn, who then slapped her husband. "Awsome, 3 guys in half and hour"

"You've got a girl alright, one that wounds you," said Boromir

She walked away looking for more guys to slap, and found Pippin.

WHAM!

"That's for whistling at Elanor"

Then over to the bar...

Double WHAM!

"That's for checking out your sister you perverts," she said to Elladen and Elrohir.

She walked away happily, leaving them quite bruised after being blown up by a firework, and getting slapped by a girl. "Wow, I'm on fire!" she said.


	6. Chapter 5

Estella crept out the window with much difficulty. _Grrr... _she thought. _If only that stupid door didn't make so much noise. _Then, out of nowhere, _I hate being 3 ½ feet tall. It sucks... a lot... I like the idea of 5'7" better...._

She then tripped over the edge of the window sill and sill into the bushes. Inside, Merry rolled over while Estella held her breath. _Oh good, he's still asleep_. She didn't really feel like listening to him snore all night. It kept her awake because she was so used to the silence of him being away.

She followed the noise right to the party and immediately headed for Diamond. "Hey. What's new?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing actually," Diamond said, turning to Estella.

"Riiiight. Where's Pippin?"

"I don't know and I don't care."

"Alright, spill."

Diamond promptly burst into tears. "He was whistling at Elanor. He doesn't love me anymore!" she wailed. She practically fell into Estella's arms.

"Aww, it's okay," Estella tried. "Hey! I know! Come with me." Estella grabbed Diamond's hand and dragged her into the trees and started to run. Diamond pulled her hand away and asked where they were going. She didn't get an answer.

Estella stopped abruptly and Diamond ran into her. "Look," she said, pointing. Diamond looked.

Boromir and Faramir were arguing over something. "Ah, brotherly love," said Estella sarcastically.

Just then, Eowyn came up, said something to her husband and slapped him.

Diamond laughed. "This is funny. I gotta find Pippin."

"Yeah, really funny..." Estella muttered under her breath.

Diamond marched out of the woods and eventually found Pippin. She walked up to him, slapped him and walked away. Estella shrugged at him and followed Diamond. Behind her, she could hear Pippin say, "That's the second time tonight!" Estella shook her head.

"Wow. I feel better now." Diamond smiled.

"Great," Estella smiled back. "Now let's go."

As they walked, Diamond thought of something. "Hey, where's Merry?"

"Snoring."

"Oh, I see."

"Yeah, it kept me awake. So I figured I'd come down here anyway."

"Oh, I see."

"Yup, but I was never here, got it? No one ever saw me until tomorrow afternoon."

"Right. Got it. Yup," Diamond said, catching on. "It's not all it's cracked up to be is it?"

"Sure it is. Just not in the way everyone thinks."

"Yeah."

"How would you know?"

"Uh, I'm married to his cousin, hello. Only Pippin isn't away all the time. Trust me, girl. You got it better."

"What? Nah, it's not so great. I mean..." Estella tried to think of a way to explain her contradictions. "It's nice, and he's great, but he's got so many little secrets."

"Yeah, same here."

They finally got to where Estella wanted to go. Eowyn stood with her back to them, fuming. Estella picked up a tray of apple desserts and pulled on Eowyn's dress. "Hey, want one, or two... or maybe three?"

Eowyn grabbed one and stuffed it in her face. "Oh he makes me so _mad_!"

"Why?" asked Diamond.

"I'm just a thing to him. Not even a person. Grrr..." It became clear she was talking about Faramir.

"Yeah, aren't we all?" asked Estella, winking at Diamond. Eowyn didn't notice, Estella and Diamond being tiny hobbits.

Diamond caught on. "I hate it when they do that. Have another dessert."

Eowyn gobbled down several more crack-filled apple desserts (courtesy of Estella and Diamond) while she talked over her troubles with the two hobbits.

"Thanks, guys," Eowyn said after the desserts were gone and walked away.

"Man, she's weird when she's high," Diamond whispered to Estella.

"Yup. Just weird enough to like Faramir a little more," Estella commented. "Now on to _him_."

Diamond shot a double take at Estella. "Why did we get her high?"

"Well, here's a hint. We're gonna get Faramir high too."

"Ohhhhh, I get it now."

They had a harder time getting Faramir high. First Diamond went around and offered him and Boromir some treats. Boromir took plenty, but Faramir declined her offer politely. "No, thanks. I don't want to remember the last time Eowyn and I got high." He shuddered. "And Eowyn probably already is..."

Diamond stared at him in disbelief. "You sick—"But before she could get the rest out, Estella grabbed her arm and pulled her away.

"He's... EWW! I didn't need to think about that..."

"Think about what?" Goldylocks popped up out of nowhere.

"Uh, nothing," Diamond said quickly.

"So whatcha doin'?"

"Umm..." Estella looked at Diamond.

Diamond thought about it and nodded. "She might be able to help us," she whispered as she walked by to get more desserts. Estella quickly explained to her.

"Cool." Goldylocks said. "What can I do?"

"Uh, could you make Faramir cry?"

"Nope, sorry. Can't be mean to guys."

"Oh. Uh, you could distract Boromir."

Goldylocks looked over at him. "Suuure..." she said with a strange look on her face. "Not married, is he?"

"Nope."

"Good." Goldylocks walked away as Diamond walked up.

"What is she doing?"

"Um, I think he's distracting Boromir."

"Ewwww... you sicko!"

"What?!"

"You know how she'll distract him don't you?"

"Well, that's her business."

"You're damn right it is. And my son's!"

"Ew. Okay, so I didn't know. I'm _sorry_!"

"Yeah, whatever."

They watched as Goldylocks dragged Boromir away.

"Um, I don't think she's gonna do what you think she is," Estella said.

"Why not?"

"Uh, dude! Look at the height difference!"

"Hmm... well, whatever. None of our business, right?"

"Yeah, whatever," Estella agreed. "I don't think we're gonna manage to get Faramir high. He knows what we're up to, I think."

"Okay. How about we get someone else to get him drunk?"  
"YEAH!" Estella shouted. Everyone stopped talking and stared at her. "He he... oops?"

"Come on," Diamond said, slightly annoyed with friend.

"Okay, so let's go over this again," Diamond said. "So we're gonna get..."

"Goldylocks"

"...to get..."

"Boromir"

"...drunk and then..."

"Boromir"

"..._should_ get Faramir drunk?"

"Yeah!"

"You have no idea what you're doing, do you?"

"Uh... no!"

"Great."  
"Well, let's go find Goldylocks, 'kay?"

"Alright."

The hobbits had no problem finding Goldylocks again. She was sitting at the bar with Boromir. Estella laughed. "She's already getting him drunk! But I have a better idea."

Estella ran behind the bar momentarily to talk to Rosie, leaving Diamond standing where she was, clueless. Rosie nodded and handed Estella a huge bottle. Estella skipped back to Diamond giggling. "Look what I've got!"

"What is that?"

"RUM!" she giggled.

"You're acting like you've had some already. What are you going to do with it?"

"You'll see!" Estella scampered of to Goldylocks, whispered in her ear and handed her the bottle. Goldylocks nodded and Estella hurried back to Diamond. "C'mon, let's go over here." They hid in a corner and started at Boromir and Goldylocks. Goldylocks opened the bottle and took a sip. She said something to Boromir and handed him the bottle. He took a long drink and set the bottle on the bar.

"Eww!" Diamond whispered. "Gross! You know how unsanitary that is? They should use glasses!"

"Glasses do have limits you know," Estella commented, and Diamond shot her a confused glance. "He's more likely to get drunk if he keeps drinking out of the bottle," she continued happily. "Besides, it's more fun."

_She doesn't have a clue about what she's talking about. Maybe she and Merry had a few drinks when they got home..._ Diamond thought.

"I'm not drunk, if that's what you're wondering," Estella told her friend.

Diamond blushed and rolled her eyes. "What are they saying?"

"I don't know, I can't hear, and besides, their backs are to us."

"Thank you for stating the obvious."  
"You're welcome!"

Diamond rolled her eyes again.

They watched and waited a long time for Boromir to finish his half of the bottle. When he was done, Goldylocks got up to leave. He leaned over and...

WHAM!

"Ooh, that one hurt!" Estella laughed.

"Ew, that's gross. I'm outta here. No way I'm getting close to that freak." Diamond walked out into the cool night air, filled with noise from the party. A few minutes later, Estella came out, dragging Boromir and the half-empty bottle of rum.

"Come _on_. We've gotta find your li'l bro!"  
"Wha—"

"Don't ask," Diamond put in. He looked at her.

"Hey... How you doin'?"

"Don't you _dare_..." Diamond growled.

"Boromir! Leave her alone!" Faramir walked up.

"Oh thank—"Estella's hand clapped over Diamond's mouth.

"Shhh!" she whispered in Diamond's ear. "Come on, if Faramir sees us here, he's gonna suspect something..." Diamond thought Estella did have a few drinks because he _did_ just see her.

So they left the brothers alone. Eventually, Faramir did taste the rum, and also discovered he liked it a lot...


	7. Chapter 6

A few hours later, Eowyn had slapped almost everyone, aside from _most_ of the girls. (She had no idea what Estella and Diamond were up to, but she didn't really think about it until later that week when she finally got up out of bed.)

A few people were very mad at her, because she'd slapped them, and many were mad because they'd slapped someone they thought they and they only deserved to slap. These few people started to get everyone else angry, really for no reason at all, but they all knew who started it – Eowyn, that no-good-for-nothing-human girl.

MEANWHILE...

May, Sam's sister, found Celebrian talking to a snake.

"Um...what are you doing?" she asked

"This is my pet snake, his name's Bob, well actually his full name is Billyballyboberton"

"That's...nice..." May was lost for words. _How strange _she thought. They noticed a stampede of people running somewhere.

"Hmmm...wonder what's going on?" so they followed the crowd.

MEANWHILE...

Eowyn came screaming up to Faramir, a trail of angry ... creatures behind her. Dwarves, elves, hobbits, humans, you name it, they were there, following her, trying to... well, just trying to hurt her. "FAAAAARRRRRAAAAMIRRRRRRRRRR!!!!"

"Hey, bud, I think that's your wife there..." Boromir told his brother.

"Hm? Oh, yeah, maybe," Faramir said, squinting into the distance.

Eowyn crashed into him. "OW! Oh, you've gotta help me! PLEASE!!!"

"Sure, anything for you, babe."

"You're drunk, aren't you?"

"Um, yeah, I think I might be."

"Whatever, HELP ME!!!"

"What's wrong?"  
"What's _wrong_?!?!?! That's wrong!!!" she screamed pointing at the angry mob following her. She hid behind her husband, whimpering.

"Maybe we can talk this out..."

"I don't think that'll work!!!"  
"Oh, okay." Faramir pulled out his sword, and swung it around clumsily.

Eowyn rolled her eyes. Even she could do better than that drunk. _Why oh why did Aragorn have to fall in love with Arwen???_

Everyone stood back because even though they wanted to get to Eowyn, they didn't want to be put down in the history book as being sliced in two by a drunk Gondorian.

"Wow, this is working out better than I expected!" Estella whispered to herself.

Diamond stared at her in disbelief. "So you planned to get Eowyn high so she'd slap everybody, get them mad at her, so she'd go running to Faramir, who's also drunk, by the way, and probably get both of them hurt very badly?"

"Uh, no, Eowyn did the slapping herself, and it definitely would've been better if Faramir didn't get drunk, but hey, look at them. They look so cute together."

Diamond looked down at Eowyn and Faramir. "Yeah, so cute. It's so sad that they'll _die at a birthday party_!!!! GO FIX THAT!!!" And with that, Diamond pushed Estella down the slope of the hill they were standing on.

Estella had to think of something quick. Like, two seconds quick would be nice, because that was how much time she had before she slipped right into the mob.

She didn't think of anything. Instead she ran through the hobbits and the dwarves and the elves and the rest of them, and sat on a chair, out of breath. Diamond stared at her from the top of the hill.

"I'm going, I'm going," Estella muttered, getting up and walking away.

"FROOOOODOOOOO!!!" Estella screamed, looking for the strange little hobbit.

"_Hi!"_ said someone.

"Uh, hello?" Estella said back. She couldn't see anyone around her.

"_You were looking for Frodo? Would you like me to tell you where he is?"_

"Um yeah, that'd be nice," Estella answered, still wondering whom she was talking to.

"_He's sitting with me and Bilbo at the bar, staring at the angry mob just outside."_

"Oh, great. Anyone else in there with you?" Estella asked, feeling stupid just talking to the air.

"_No. They're all outside."_

"Great. I've created a monster."

"_Oh, no, you haven't, it was Eowyn's fault, Faramir's even if you want to dig that deep. Oh, and by the way, you'd better hurry over."_

"Right."

Estella ran as fast as she could to the bar, but she had to take the long way around, because she didn't feel like squishing through the crowd, angry as it was.

"Okay, I'm here," Estella panted. She'd finally made it to the bar, and in front of her sat Frodo, Bilbo, and Galadriel. "You," Estella said, pointing a finger at Galadriel, "freak me out."

"Thank you," the Elf replied.

Estella nodded. Turning to Frodo, she said, "You've gotta make your birthday speech now."

"Awww, but it's just getting good. And besides, I wasn't going to do one anyway. Bilbo was."

"No I wasn't! Quit laying everything off on me!"

"Come on, _please_, Frodo? Look, everyone's there, and you won't get them all together after this, please?"

Frodo looked out at the crowd. "I don't know..."

"Remember Faramir? And Eowyn?"

"Yeah, how could I no—"

"Shut up. They're in trouble, and they need out, and the only way that's gonna happen is if you make your birthday speech, right _now_!" Estella pushed him out of the bar and up on to the hill beside Diamond.

"About time," whispered Diamond.

"Yeah, well, ask Galadriel what it's like to have someone pop into your head all of a sudden."

"It's weird," Frodo agreed. "What do I say?"

"Uh, I don't—"

"Just say thanks for coming, hope you had a good time, thanks for the presents, stuff like that. Sheesh, am I the only one around here with a decent dose of common sense?" Diamond asked rhetorically.

"Uh, yup."

"'Fraid so."

"_Yes, I think you're right,"_ said a voice in Diamond's head. Diamond screamed. That sufficed to get the crowd's attention. They all turned their heads towards the hill, and Estella gave Frodo a little push.

"Uh, hi, all you guys..." he started.

Estella ran down the hill and grabbed Eowyn from behind. Eowyn didn't budge. _Grrr... again, with the height thing, here..._ "Eowyn!" She whispered loudly. Eowyn looked.

Estella waved. "Come with me. And bring Faramir with you."

Eowyn grabbed her husband's arm and pulled him along. "Hey, what the—" Faramir started very loudly. Eowyn clapped her hand over his mouth.

"SHH!" Estella and Eowyn said at the same time.

The three of them crept away, well, actually one of them crept, one staggered along like a drunk man would and the other wobbled along, trying to hold her husband up.

When they got to a quieter place, Faramir flopped down on the ground, taking Eowyn with him. She giggled.

Estella walked away, without a word. _As if either of them would notice anyway._ She looked back at the couple. _Okay, didn't need to think about that, _she thought.

So the angry mob settled down, and just enjoyed the party. However, many of those people had very different relationships then before. Lots of people hated Eowyn, and some people got a little too rambunctious at the party, Ancalagon, hint hint. Arwen forgave Aragorn, Sam was practically murdering Frodo, Daisy decided to cut back on chocolate while Tom was around, Estella went home exhausted, luckily Merry hadn't noticed she was gone, and Celebrian had lots of fun playing with her new snake Bob. To be continued...


End file.
